File Under: Message in a bottle

Alternative titles: Skee Lo knows what I’m talking about, I dream of Genie, I hope someone gets my message in a bottle, I’m a genie in a bottle baby…

Things people say they’d wish for if they found a magic lamp that came with a genie/three wishes:

1. Three more wishes

2. Be the richest person on earth

3. Never die, but they always say “Eternal Life” (because when a genie shows up, people start talking all magical like, as if they are in the Shire)

Things I would wish for if I found a magic lamp that came with a genie/three wishes:

1. Skin that naturally moisturized itself (drinking lots of water doesn’t do the trick), because wearing lotion makes me feel like I’m wearing (being suffocated by) an invisible body suit that makes me feel very warm borderline hot, irritated and bitchy.

2. Never placed in situations in which I have to speak publically, because I stutter, turn red and worry that I will accidentally say “please pick up your penis” instead of “pencils”.. The exception to this wish is if it’s me telling a kick ass story staring me and I can sense in advance how many people will laugh and how amazing it will make me feel. (To get an idea, Watch Video Below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcIaT5D4Iwc

3. That men interested in me never say “You’re pretty, have you ever thought about losing “x” amount of pounds”(Nope, crying during the swimming season or 2am arguments with my logical/emotional self about eating cold pizza never ever cross my mind.. I need you, random dude in my life for 1 minute to bring up such profound and mind-shattering questions) Make these men disappear. Don’t pursue an overweight girl if you are going to tell her she has the potential to be prettier. The exception: A good man will want you to be active, because it is healthy promoting and fun. A not so good man will want you to kick your cheese loving habit for cigarettes instead. (Clog my arteries or blacken my lungs? Decisions, Decisions…)

Monica: “The camera adds ten pounds”

Chandler: “How many cameras do you have on you?”

(That wasn’t nice of Chandler)

I should add that I find self-deprecating humor to be “my thing” to which my friends replied “get a new thing” at which point I said, but (famous writer/idol) David Sedaris is self-deprecating to which my friends replied “You aren’t David Sedaris”

Me: I think my self-deprecation is endearing and cute (think 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon or Mindy from the Mindy Project)

My Friends: You aren’t on a TV show (to which I whisper to myself and the universe- ‘not yet’).

Potatoeeee/Potato …. Annoying/Funny (This reminds me of when I tried to make everyone love Cabin Boy as much as I did. NO one thought it was funny and I felt shamed/alone… but I got over it when I convinced everyone I love to see Zoolander and was able to claim my rights as “someone with good movie taste” again (Never, actually had that title before…)

In all actuality, none of these things really bother me at the end of the day. (Thanks, for making everyone awkward though!) More than anything, I don’t like the predictability of this posed question. Genie, make guys say something different, like, “you’re only 5’8? If you were 6’3, you’d probably be more properly proportioned. I think I saw a Groupon for a facility that specializes in stretching people. I’m taking my friend Tiny Tim (so cliché), you want in … it’s only 20$… That would be different and refreshing.

——-side note (specific to me) Genie wish requests made by my closest friends/family

For me, to not address and/or for me to discuss my weight, because it’s a “buzzkill” (genie wish from me, #4- don’t let anyone say buzzkill, unless it’s 1994, you are at a dance party and someone turned off Heavy D’s ‘Now that we found Love’ jam (referring a song to a jam during a 90’s reference is most appropriate) to instead by 4 Non-Blonde’s “What’s going on” (making finger in mouth, gagging motions—— also 90’s appropriate)

Let’s Dance…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAnKORQ4YL0

In hindsight, I would have said that wish # 3 is to never experience more than 85 degrees in the weather (but it could go as low as 30 degrees)